Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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