Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
