since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
