I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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