Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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