I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
