who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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