Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
