I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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