omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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