I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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