I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
