A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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