So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
