You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
