u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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