you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
