I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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