If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
