ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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