so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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