I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
