Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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