Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
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announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
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If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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