I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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