If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
