Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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