Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
