I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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