i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she told me i tasted like america
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
