Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
