He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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