and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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