in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
