So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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