I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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