Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
