When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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