dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
