I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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