hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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