Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
