i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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