I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
