I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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