i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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