i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
