Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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