i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
