I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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