She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You're a waste of cheezeits
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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