Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
