your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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