I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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