FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
