theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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