i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
